You can’t get through it unless you get to it.
This simple phrase is a staple in our approach to behavior. What does this mean? Certainly we are working to help our students extinguish their behaviors that are harmful or exclusionary. This long process can involve a lot of work, both for the student and the adult.
There are no short cuts.
It might not be fun.
But we can not stop at the point where it is uncomfortable. We all have developed new skills in our lives that were hard to do at first. We have mastered some skills through work and practice. It is the same for our students. They can learn. They will learn. We all want the process to be short-lived, but what we are changing may be deeply rooted for the student; often times, we see behavior because it has served a purpose for them. It may get them what they want. It may get them out of what they do not like. In some way, it has been effective for them.
When addressing behavioral hurdles, we need to meet the challenge head on. We want to clearly let the student know “This way that has worked for you in the past is not acceptable.” We are asking them to be socially appropriate. We are asking them to communicate a want or need in a way that does not include those previously learned ways, ways that we may have reinforced (consciously or unconsciously). What we don’t want to do is placate or give them what they want without communicating- in other words, hoping we keep them happy enough so that we never see behavior. This cannot be sustained by the adult and certainly has not taught the child a better skill. While we may be able to keep a child happy and therefore avoid difficult behaviors, the world will not be as kind. The most loving thing we can do is prepare children to face disappointments and challenges and roadblocks, rather than try to shield them from the hard things. This is true whether your child is typically developing or is on the Autism Spectrum.
We believe in all children’s ability to learn a better way to express themselves and get what they want or need. We will teach them a better way to take a step forward. Real life expectations in the classroom lead to handling similar situations at home and in public in more socially appropriate way. So, with behavior, we set a high expectation and then help the student be appropriate within that framework- not with a separate expectation for a student with Autism. Sometimes, we see behavior getting worse before it gets better. This is expected as you are asking them to change not just an external behavior, but an internal understanding of how the world works.
You may need to find a team to help you. It is confusing to the child to pick and choose when certain behaviors are acceptable and when they are not. It is hard for the adult to try to go at it alone. Find support and use that support, whether it is for the child or for you. Consistency is the key, and a team approach helps you achieve that consistency.
Don’t give up.
Through all of the challenges thrown at your child and you or your student and you, remember your job. Help them know what is acceptable. See the challenging behavior they have and work to help them do better. Push through the times that are tough or uncomfortable. Believe that they can and believe that you are being helpful. We take the steps with them, but we always have a goal of them being able to take steps on their own.